The Auntie Guillotine

Have you heard of the Auntie Guillotine?

It goes something like this, during your average interview on ABC Radio National:

Interviewee: "... and then after my daughter committed suicide and my house burned down, I had a nervous breakdow--"

ABC interviewer: "Thank you, Ethel Snape. We now cross to Kylie Squirts, our gardening correspondent in Wagga Wagga, for a look at rhododendron blight. Hi there, Kylie!"

For years, Auntie experimented with such segues as "Well, our time is running out, and unfortunately we'll have to move on, but thank you, Ethel Snape for giving so freely of your time to us and our listeners" (then wait for Mrs Snape to say "OK" and "goodbye") then "Goodbye, and thank you again for doing this interview at no charge".

However, techniques of these kinds simply did not have the rude abruptness required, and over several months a working party developed Auntie's patented guillotine, which does the chop with all necessary brutality. The new method has been taken up with alacrity, even by the under-50s reporters and presenters who have yet to learn what alacrity is.

Tagged: abc, australia, australian, english, language, radio, journalism, radio+national

Fo-sigh!

As is well known, before one can gain a degree in Sociology or Cultural Studies, one must master more than just the ability to "unpack a text" (or pack a pomo multisyllable).

No degrees are awarded to any person who clings to the abhorrent practice of saying "forums". It's fora or the door. (And you'll never get a job on ABC unless you can speak pomo.) We're all prepared for fora. Of course, we wonder whether those academics and journalists take their children to circi to see the elephants and clowns.

Nothing, however, could have prepared me for "fo-sigh" -- that's how the chap being interviewed pronounced "focuses" ... I mean, 'foci'. Did I say 'focuses'? I do beg your pardon.

These are the sorts of people who I love to hear say "platypi", as they believe it's the plural of 'platypus'. Of course, they're about three feet up their own bums, because they don't realise that the platypus has a Greek name, not a Latin one. Thus the plural form doesn't look like the plural of 'cactus'. The '-pus' ending is Greek for 'foot', and 'platy' means flat. It's 'platypodae', not 'platypi', but I really don't think it's sporting to tell these Sunday pundits. Fo-sigh!

Reclaiming possession of the mother tongue

Mr Abbas has a house. The house is Mr Abbas's. It isn't Mr Abba's house. Not yet. Mr Abba wants the house, but he will not have it unless he takes it. If it should become Mr Abba's house and Mr Abbas reclaims it, the house will be Mr Abbas's again.

Does anyone else wonder why so many ABC people get the possessive wrong? For example, "Sydney is New South Wale's capital city". No it is not. Surely it is New South Wales's capital. And Alan Jone doesn't have a radio program: Alan Jones has one, so the program is Alan Jones's -- it is not Alan Jone's program.

And on Breakfast this morning, Damascus's became Damasca's. There is, as far as I know, no city called 'Damasca'.

Perhaps SCOSE (the ABC's Standing Committee on Spoken English) might have a little training session with ABC writers and speakers. The average ABC employee should be able to learn about possession in, oh, I should think two or three day-long workshops at the outside.

Tagged: scose, abc, australia, australian, english, language, radio, grammar, spelling, pronunciation, journalism, radio+national

Missal?

Tomorrow, Tuesday, is the Fourth of July. Maybe this is why today we hear on The World Today the word "missile" pronounced as Americans would pronounce it.

May we have our Australia back on Wednesday after your fireworks show, please Auntie?

Tagged: scose, abc, australia, australian, english, language, radio, grammar, spelling, pronunciation, journalism, radio+national

The ABC screeching blackboard experience

We all like crisp, accurate and clear expression, and we all want the ABC to be a role model of crispness, accuracy and clarity.

Thus we prefer it when presenters say "whence" rather than the tautological "from whence", and "whether" rather than "whether or not". For "whence" means "from where" (as in "I am going back whence I came"), and "whether or not" should only be used when particular emphasis is required. "Whether" is sufficient almost all the time.

And when we hear (as on Asia Pacific this morning) "But nevertheless" beginning a sentence, we have a right to wish that the redundant "But" had not been tacked on the front. "Nevertheless" stands alone, requiring no extra word to give it its meaning.

When alleged users of English write "But neverthless", can "Nevertheless but" be far away?

These are things children the English-speaking world over learn before they leave primary school, so it's natural that when paid ABC journalists and presenters get them wrong time after time, day in and day out, we should feel like we did as kids when the chalk squeaked on the blackboard.

Tagged: scose, abc, australia, australian, english, language, radio, grammar, spelling, pronunciation, journalism, radio+national